He Hog Surveys Earth For Suitable Specimens of Human Women For An Environmental Preserve
One day, Half Life peers into He Hog's laboratory and sees him sitting behind a big glass bottle.
He Hog is wearing retractable microscopic spectacles and staring into the bottle while looking supremely intelligent.
Half Life asks what's in the bottle.
"This is a perfectly preserved miniature city, Half Life. It is peopled with a superior race...
Human Women."
Half Life: "Why do we need that?"
He Hog looks up, an extremely grave expression on his
begoggled snout. He says in a very serious voice:
"Because, young one, MAN IS INSANE. In his infinite arrogance, in his vainglorious lust for power he is sure to destroy the planet and himself in the process. I have taken it upon myself to preserve earth's greatest natural resource. His women."
He goes on to explain that he has shrunken 1,000,000 of them and built a tiny futuristic city to store them in. It is a big responsibility to care for them every day. He points to his latest invention, the CLIMATE DISPENSER. "I have perfectly recreated the conditions of earth's atmosphere and climate."
It has buttons on it labeled:
Rain
Sunshine
Gloom
Hurricane
Earthquake
Drought
Smog
FEMA (Failed Emergency Management Association)
He Hog picks up some tweezers and reaches into the bottle. He carefully plucks tiny wriggling things out and discards them one at a time into a wastebasket operated deftly by his hoof.
"What are you doing now, He Hog?" asks the naive little sidekick.
He Hog looks up and says matter-of-factly..."Getting rid of the ugly ones."
HALLOWEEN IN FORTRESS CITY
On Halloween night the neighborhood kids (seals, polar bears and Eskimos) start knocking on He Hog's secret door. They expect some nice sugary treats.
He Hog answers the door and realizes that he has been working so long in his lab that he forgot all about this favorite holiday! How
embarrassing!
Never one to disappoint the kiddies he rushes to the lab and back again with a sly look on his face. He gingerly drops tiny hot chicks from the Bottled City Of Human Women into the trick or treat bags.
Plop, plop.... dump!
The kids cheer. "
Yay He Hog!"
"Don't eat too many in one night, kids!"
He winks at the kiddies as they rush away gleefully.
THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE
PROFESSOR MOLE AND HIS EVIL INSECT BMF THREATEN ARMAGEDDON!
This is Professor Mole's brain. It is packed with dangerous ideas. Moles grow on it in front of our very eyes. They devour his thoughts causing his scalp to tingle with a burning urgency too intense for our puny imaginations to contemplate.
This is Professor Mole, owner of the brain.
The Professor is quiveringly deranged but not technically evil. He just has a burning brain that hungers to tamper with God's laws.
Professor Mole is so hideous that he is shunned by society and must conduct his awesome experiments in a hidden basement laboratory. The basement is putrid with dank mold and creeping things of a lower order.
