Kaspar Pilot

Kaspar wakes up with a particularly irritating bullet in his eye one morning and decides to write a letter.

"I know you did it!"

outline by Tom Minton:

KASPAR THE THWARTER OF URGES

A WONDERFUL MORNING - Letter

A nice day in the forest, beautiful flowers. Kaspar sits, looking thoughtful. We reveal he’s writing a letter as the sun slowly rises.

“I just thought I’d write and tell you exactly what I think about you, you reprehensible piece of gutter trash. Oh, and say ‘Hi’ to Dad.

Hate,
Your Only Son,

Kaspar

P.S. Why aren’t you dead, yet?”


TIME TO GET BUSY

Kaspar folds letter, puts it in envelope and shouts for a Mail Bird, who quickly flies in. Kaspar hands bird the letter. “OK, fly!” Bird exits. Kaspar shoots bird o.s., then stretches, yawning. “Time to get busy! A bastard’s work is never done.” Kaspar sniffs the air, grinning, picking up a familiar scent. He moves o.s. A beat and WE PAN OVER TO

EXT. RANGERS’ LATEST WEIRD FOREST DWELLING – TRUCK IN AND CUT

RANGERS LIVING SPACE

The rangers Malinyski and Little Horst click on the light, illuminating the inside of their little place. They have just moved in to this, their latest spot to evade Kaspar. They are getting up.


KASPAR WAS HERE – Underpants Crisis

Little Horst dons his underwear but his briefs won’t stay up. He finds the elastic has been pulled out of the waistband. “Hey! What’s wrong with my underwear?” He grabs another pair. “This pair is ruined, too!” Ranger Malinyski (Horst’s dad) pulls on a sock with each hand, only to find the toes ripped out by something large and sharp. “My socks! Who could possibly do such a thing?” WE PAN OVER TO WINDOW, revealing Kaspar’s large head and eyes looking in, as he chortles to himself. Then Kaspar ducks out of sight.

RANGERS’ Urges

Little Horst convulsively sneezes and asks “Why did I do that, Daddy?” Malinyski answers “Son, It's time I told you about human instincts.”



He explains how humans behave instinctively but Kaspar is always there to thwart their every natural urge. That’s why God created urges.

They look at a list of human urges on the fridge and decide to spend a quality Father and Son day following their natural instincts.

Little Horst is ecstatic. He crams the sneezed material back in his nose and follows his dad.

Day Of Following Urges in the Forest

Malinysky and Little Horst take a frolicking stroll through the woodlands, eager to act upon their natural urges.

Kaspar is hiding behind every tree and bush, ready to fulfill his ecological role as the thwarter of natural instincts. After all, what good is an instinct unless there is something to thwart it?

Urinal Thwart

The rangers stand atop Pee Valley to release an urge, but are stopped in their tracks by a sign ordering them not to use the Urinal.

KASPAR TAKES A BREAK FROM THWARTING INSTINCTS :REPAST
Kaspar decides to take a lunch break.
He approaches a tree and forces it to give its nest.

The tree produces a large wasp’s nest and Kaspar removes Wilber. He whacks it, and Wilbur the Wasp rolls out groggily, rubbing his head. Kaspar grabs Wilbur and unscrews his stinger, pouring “Ukrainian honey” onto a slice of white toast. Kaspar tells Wilbur he’s one drop short and to make sure he collects enough pollen tomorrow. But not to slack off on his stinging of people. Wilbur flies off and we hear someone o.s. scream. Kaspar smiles.
THE BIG INSTINCT - parasites

Malinyski takes advantage of Kaspar's lunch break. He follows an urge to happily scratch his bodily parasites but poor Little Horst can’t join in -- he’s not itchy today because his parasite has died.

A MORAL QUANDARY

Little Horst asks his dad if he can have one of his. Malinyski thinks hard but just can’t part with his tapeworm. It’s been with him so long, now.

KASPAR’S OFFICE

We see Kaspar’s father’s gigantic, mounted and stuffed foot, in the center of a clearing, with a door in it. This is Kaspar’s office, adjacent to a tall tree with a crow’s nest lookout at the very top.

ON LOOKOUT Kaspar watching TV Monitor

The lookout sees something, pointing an archaic TV camera to something o.s.

Kaspar watches lookout’s view on an ancient, black and white TV with rabbit ears. He sees the tiny figures of the rangers climbing up mountain. “Human rangers are migratory but these two encroach on animal territories, where they must not.”

BLOODSUCKER DELL -Parasite Falls

Parasite falls is fed by a melting glacier. The glacier is stuffed with ancient parasites that fed on dinosaurs and long-extinct creatures. As the ice melts, the horrific paleozoic parasites sail down the river to feed on life forms much more evolved than their original hosts.

Braving impossible terrain, the rangers finally reach their geographic goal – a magnificent natural tableau, with the fabled river of parasites revealed to be – barren! Kaspar has beaten them to the punch, sitting there stuffing the last parasite into his ear for himself. Malinyski looks dejected but Little Horst’s urges are driving him crazy. The kid can’t hold his instincts much longer. He is dying to be itchy. Kaspar chortles, pleased with himself.

GENUINE HEART

As the rangers turn to leave, they remember they have something for Malinyski. Little Horst hands him a homemade card, in honor of “National Crab Day.” (This is the opposite of a Valentine's Day card)

Kaspar looks at the card, which says “We Hate You, Kaspar!” Kaspar is touched. He leans down and tells Little Horst “You can have one of MY parasites!” Little Horst is overjoyed.


VLADIMIR SPEAKS

Vlad the parasite remarks “I always wanted a human host!” Malinyski: “How does it feel, son?” Horst: “It really hurts!” Malinyski: “Great!”

BRIEF MUSICAL OUTRO

“Horst the Human Host” is sung as the two rangers, united by Vladimir, do a little limited animation walk to the beat of the music. Little Horst at last feels, with his newest and biggest parasite Vladimir, itchy enough to scratch.

LAST SHOT ON KASPAR _ Crying

Kaspar proudly holds up his card “They really hate me!” He grins in deep satisfaction, a parasite filled tear dripping down his rough muzzle.

Kaspar's Dad is an orthodox Ruthenian priest.

His Mom is Australia and only awakens every 100 years to check on her son to see if he needs a spanking.

Kaspar enjoys dessert after causing mayhem and misery throughout the forest.

MISERABLE THE DISAGREEABLE MOOSE -1

(1st Bear/Moose cartoon)

[SITUATION: Kaspar is usually the one who irritates the Rangers of Ruthenia. Miserable the Disagreeable Moose comes along and pesters the Rangers. Kaspar Bear must challenge Miserable’s meanness in order to assert his authority.]




Morning

Kaspar wakes up one morning. Sun shining through hole in his tree. He wipes the crud off his eyes (add joke-what does he do with it?)

EVERYONE ALREADY CRYING

He goes outside and is surprised to see everyone already sad and crying.

Pan with him. He stops in shock
Everybody is already crying – pan across them
Kaspar asks what happened
They say “you’re too late. Someone has already been mean to us!”

Kaspar is furious!!
Kaspar: “Who? Who has been been despoiling my territory?”




He demands to know who has been encroaching on his territory and finds out that it’s Miserable The Disagreeable Moose.

MEAN OFF
He tracks Miserable down and challenges him to a Mean Off. Whoever wins, gets to keep Kaspar’s territory.


The two meanies are squared off while the other forest denizens boo on their favorite.
Kaspar chews tobacco.
He wipes the chewing tobacco across the side of Miserable’s face: “How do you like that? Got any complaints? You want some more?”

Miserable burns as he wipes off the tobacco.
He peels his lips back and spits in Kaspar’s face.

MRS. MISERABLE
Kaspar sees a female moose watching the battle.
Kaspar: “Is that your wife over there?”
Miserable: “Yeah.”
Kaspar goes over and kisses Miserable’s wife.
Kaspar has won this round and poor Miserable leaves, dejected.

Baby (Precious, the Human Baby)

Walking home: Well I guess I showed him! I can hardly wait to realax and play with Precious, my human baby.

Kaspar Bear comes home after a hard day’s work, ready to relax and play with his baby.
A note is pinned to cave door. It reads: I couldn’t stand the smell and had to leave. Signed, the Babysitter.

Baby is Stinky

Kaspar goes inside, over to the baby crib.
He picks his (human) baby out of the crib, sniffs it.
Kaspar: “My baby smells horrible! What gives?”
Then it dons on Kaspar what happened.


Kaspar Marches across the steppes

Kaspar stomps outside. He walks over a mountain and down into a new section of forest.
He knocks on a tree.

Miserable's Home

A door opens. It’s Miserable the Disagreeable Moose.
Kaspar is mad. He pokes his finger into the Moose’s shoulder and says, “You farted on my baby, didn’t you?!”

Miserable gloats an evil gleeful smile of triumph.
Kaspar: “That was really lowww!

Y’know,

I gotta hand it to you. I like that.
In fact, I like you!
And I don’t like anybody!”

Kaspar: “You owe me ten bucks for the baby-sitter!”

GOODY 3 SHOES

EST GOODY 3 SHOES

Goody Three-Shoes wears red plastic shoes on her cute 3 feet.
Everybody likes her, which makes her sad.
She’s looking for someone to detest her.
People always give her presents and ask her to marry them.


One day she sits on a stump, crying.
Grumpy Kaspar walks up to her and asks her “What’s wrong, little girl?”
Goody blubbers: “Nobody hates me!”

KASPAR ASSURES HER HE HATES HER

Bear says, “Well, I hate you! In fact, you make me sick, you sniveling little twerp! Didn’t your parents teach you that little girls don’t cry?”

PROPOSAL

Goody is overjoyed. “Wow, you’re the first one to ever hate me!” She loves Kaspar now. She follows him everywhere, driving him crazy.
Goody says: “Please marry me, Mister Big Grumpy Bear!”

Bear: “Over my smelly body!”
Goody: “I promise you’ll hate my cooking more than you hate me, and I’ll never clean up, and I’ll talk about women’s lib every night, and won’t let you watch football, and I’ll tell you all the jokes in “I Love Lucy” just before they happen.”

Kaspar: “That’s disgusting! Now I really hate you!”
Goody tilts her head back and closes her eyes.
Goody: “Whisper that in my ear!”

KASPAR WHISPER SWEET INSULTS

Bear leans over, puts his lips in front of her ear and softly whispers, “I really really hate you.”
Goody sighs, “Oooh, tell me how much you hate me.”
Kaspar whispers soft words of loathing,

“I hate you more than creamed cauliflower, more than cleaning the cat box, etc.”
Tiny hairs in Goody’s ear vibrate from the bear’s repugnant breath.
Goody shivers.

She says, “Marry me!”
Bear: “YES!”

Kaspar makes Ranger Malinyski marry them.

The Marital Vows:

Pastor Ranger: “Do you, Goody Three-Shoes, promise to bicker every day and nag your husband into an early grave?”
Goody: “I do.”

Pastor Ranger: “Do you, Kaspar Bear, promise to stay out late and forget to call… go bowling on your anniversary, alienate yourself from her parents, borrow money from her parents under a flimsy pretense, then spend the money on comic books instead?”

Kaspar hesitates, not sure if he’s ready to make such a promise.
Goody gets mad and elbows him, “HONEY!”

Kaspar: “O.K, O.K., I do!”
Goody is satisfied. The Pastor finishes the job.

“I now sentence you to eternal misery. You may kiss your freedom good-bye.”
Kaspar and Goody kiss.
They live miserably ever after.

Kraspar's Basic Premise

Here is a typical scenario for Kraspar:


MORE PICS OF KRASPAR AND HIS ENEMIES

STORIES TO COME...