EST GOODY 3 SHOES
Goody Three-Shoes wears red plastic shoes on her cute 3 feet.
Everybody likes her, which makes her sad.
She’s looking for someone to detest her.
People always give her presents and ask her to marry them.
One day she sits on a stump, crying.
Grumpy Kaspar walks up to her and asks her “What’s wrong, little girl?”
Goody blubbers: “Nobody hates me!”
KASPAR ASSURES HER HE HATES HER
Bear says, “Well, I hate you! In fact, you make me sick, you sniveling little twerp! Didn’t your parents teach you that little girls don’t cry?”
Goody is overjoyed. “Wow, you’re the first one to ever hate me!” She loves Kaspar now. She follows him everywhere, driving him crazy.
Goody says: “Please marry me, Mister Big Grumpy Bear!”
Bear: “Over my smelly body!”
Goody: “I promise you’ll hate my cooking more than you hate me, and I’ll never clean up, and I’ll talk about women’s lib every night, and won’t let you watch football, and I’ll tell you all the jokes in “I Love Lucy” just before they happen.”
Kaspar: “That’s disgusting! Now I really hate you!”
Goody tilts her head back and closes her eyes.
Goody: “Whisper that in my ear!”
KASPAR WHISPER SWEET INSULTS
Bear leans over, puts his lips in front of her ear and softly whispers, “I really really hate you.”
Goody sighs, “Oooh, tell me how much you hate me.”
Kaspar whispers soft words of loathing,
“I hate you more than creamed cauliflower, more than cleaning the cat box, etc.”
Tiny hairs in Goody’s ear vibrate from the bear’s repugnant breath.
She says, “Marry me!”
Kaspar makes Ranger Malinyski marry them.
The Marital Vows:
Pastor Ranger: “Do you, Goody Three-Shoes, promise to bicker every day and nag your husband into an early grave?”
Goody: “I do.”
Pastor Ranger: “Do you, Kaspar Bear, promise to stay out late and forget to call… go bowling on your anniversary, alienate yourself from her parents, borrow money from her parents under a flimsy pretense, then spend the money on comic books instead?”
Kaspar hesitates, not sure if he’s ready to make such a promise.
Goody gets mad and elbows him, “HONEY!”
Kaspar: “O.K, O.K., I do!”
Goody is satisfied. The Pastor finishes the job.
“I now sentence you to eternal misery. You may kiss your freedom good-bye.”
Kaspar and Goody kiss.
They live miserably ever after.