GEORGE LIQUOR'S CARTOONY TYPE VARIETY SHOW

This is a prime-time ensemble show with a regular cast and a rotating cast. It has an open format which leaves lots of room to try out new characters and ideas.

GEORGE LIQUOR VARIETY PROGRAM

Hi Mike,

this is a format for a cartoon show that I hope you will like.

It's inspired by Jack Benny's Show from the 50s and 60s. The Jack Benny Program had a really clever open format that allowed for more than one kind of TV humor. They did stand up, musical acts, situation comedy, slapstick - and even cartoon humor all in one show!

There are so many different kinds of cartoon humor that I like, and I wanted to come up with a way to use as many as we can think up. Sitcom, songs, satire, slapstick, surreal, wacky, tearjerkers...this format is open to all these types of stories and gags.

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OPENING MONOLOGUE

George, like Jack Benny is the host of the show. He opens the show with either a funny story or a rant about what's wrong with people who don't agree with him.

He can do this in the comfort of his manly Den.

Monologue Topics:

MEAT IS A MAN'S FOOD- VEGGIES ARE FOR GIRLS
2 HAIRCUTS A WEEK - Just to be safe
WE GOTTA SACRIFICE SO WE CAN HAVE MORE WARS


The monologue will segue into a story - something that happened the other day...

ripple dissolve to....

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SITCOM STORY- 12 minutes

These stories take place in George Liquor's neighborhood, Decentville, U.S. OF A. The neighborhood is filled with all kinds of characters and we get to know more about them with each episode.

The stories are sitcom style like the Simpsons or Family Guy but also have cartoon humor in them - like some of the Ren and Stimpy stories.

They are very character based. The humor exploits the personalities and conflicts between everyone.

MEET THE GODDAMN CHARACTERS 1

MEET THE GODDAMN CHARACTERS 2

The sitcom stories have a beginning, middle and end and resolve themselves at the end.


THE BOMB SHELTER


WILD ELKDOM


THE BIKINI SALESMAN

Then we go into a fake commercial for some funny sponsor.

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FAKE SPONSOR

Like Ren and Stimpy, The George Liquor show is sponsored by products that we make up.

Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strike Cigarettes, so we could be sponsored by:

LONG LIFE CIGARETTES:

George Liquor can plug the cigarettes himself.

"Oh, they'll kill you all right. After all they're cigarettes! That's what they're designed for! The difference between Long Life and the other brands is that with Long Life, you might get 2, 3 more weeks!"

RAMCO HANDY DANDY HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS:

Duck Debeaker-removes duck bills without the mess. Now leaves tongues intact!
No-Waste Tastee Blender- grinds up anything-fish guts, and makes it taste like ice cream!


BUG SMASHER - Instant Bug Death (now in kid safe formula)
George looks out the window and asks for a volunteer. A flying Beetle puts up his hand and George says "Come on down!"
George asks the bug to introduce himself and tells the audience what a good sport he is.

George sprays instant Bug Death on the bottom of his shoe and then stomps the little bugger flat.

"Just spray a little of this crap on your shoes and watch it go to work!"

He looks down at the squashed beetle and tells him to pick up his prize after the show. A lifetime supply of Wayne Newton hits.

George then pulls out a bullet and sprays it.
"Bug Smasher works just as well on bullets too!"
George tosses himself belly down on the floor and starts madly firing into a roach motel.

George can also assure Moms that the spray is safe on kids. It mixes well with peanut butter.

We can have a few different sponsors and rotate them.

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HOMEWORK VS CARTOONS-
WHAT'S BETTER FOR YOU?

This is an age old question that George has to resolve again and again.

It stars George's nephews, Slab 'N' Ernie. Each week, Slab N' Ernie are trying to get out of doing homework because CARTOON CARNIVAL is coming on TV in a couple minutes.

George catches them trying to sneak out of the bedroom and gives them a lecture about homework and discipline.

The kids moan and go back to their homework. George peers over their shoulders. "Watcha studyin' anyway?"

Every Week A New Subject:
This becomes a running gag. Each week, George explodes when he finds out what they're teaching in school these days.

EVOLUTION

Slab tells George" We're learnin' 'bout EVOLUTION, Unca George!"

"What the Hell is EVIL-Lootion?"

Ernie explains that it's a theory that says we are all related to apes and monkeys.

"WHAAAAAAAATTTTT?" George explodes with rage and disbelief. "Lemme see that book!!"

He opens it to a double page spread of an illustration of animals evolving.

We see a duck crawling out of the sea evolving into a crawfish, then a springbok and a crocodile, then a flying kangaroo, an ape in a tree and then finally George in a loin cloth. All the animals have George's face.

George tosses the book into the fire and says "Forget your homework. Let's watch some all-American Cartoony -Type Pictures kids!"

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

The history books have all been rewritten by lesbians, so now the Declaration Of Independence was written by environmentalists and the first American President was Geronimo.

TOLERANCE

Each week George opts to let the kids watch "The Cartoony Pictures" on TV rather than further their left wing education.

They get the TV trays out and sit down to watch "Cartoon Carnival" which has a rotating schedule of zany cartoons...

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CARTOON SHORT SURPRISE

This can be a different cartoon each week. This way we can try out new characters on the audience to see which ones catch on.

A regular series would feature He Hog the Atomic Pig:

He Hog's Powers

He Hog's Secret Identities


FORTRESS OF RECTITUDE


BOTTLED CITY OF HUMAN WOMEN


But we could also do many other characters and just try everything.
Links To More Shows

KASPAR THE UNFRIENDLY BEAR

During the cartoons, we can cut back to George and the kids watching them.

George like most Dads, doesn't get cartoons.

"What the Hell is a cartoon anyway? Just a bunch of flying colors and crazy voices?"

We could show his POV, and all he sees are blobs of abstract colors moving around.
The kids keep telling him to shut up. They feel every emotion in the cartoons and George is dumbfounded.

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IMITATE EVERYTHING YOU SEE IN THE CARTOONS

After the cartoon is over, George decides "At least that's a lot better than the crap they teach you in schools these days!

Tell you what. Go outside and do everything you see in the cartoonies!"

The kids go outside and jump off roofs and blow each other up with firecrackers and end up in the hospital.

George is visiting. "Well now you've learned something!"

Everyone waves goodbye to the TV audience. "G'bye folks! See you next time! Ya bunch of commies!"

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EXTRA NOTE!

Don't forget how good we are at animating sexy girls! Hopefully this would be a ratings grabbing ingredient in the George Liquor Variety Program.

Heaven's Answer to Lust

Action VS God

George Liquor is a God-fearing widower who is saving himself for Heaven. He is totally devoted to his deceased wife Mabel, whose rear end is stuffed and mounted on the wall in his trophy room.

Merle (Sody’s big sister), A vixenish and buxom divorcee from down the street, has the hots for George and tries to seduce him in his own house of purity.

She is gorgeous and extremely tempting, so for the whole cartoon she tries to get him to cheat on his dead wife.

He has to frantically resist his natural urges and it gets harder and harder to do so.
He eventually tears pages out of the bible and sticks them on top of his erogenous zones as Merle corners him against a romantic bear skin wall rug.
George is sweating like mad and it looks like it’s over.

Cut to Heaven:
God is in His office, planning the next universe he will create. He’s deciding on how many billions of galaxies to create from nothing, and which planets will have life, and every exact countless combination of amino acids it will take to create zillions of new life forms to populate his universe, when something more important than all that comes up.

SOMEONE HAS A BONER.

Nothing makes God more furious than when the equipment he designed for man functions.
God’s helper tells him George Liquor is on the phone. God looks down at his phone and sure enough, George’s button is flashing. He picks up and George begs him to save his soul and destroy the accursed symbol of his lust.

God strikes George dead and in his dying gasp he sticks his tongue out at a frustrated Merle.
“I wiiiin!!” gasps George as he succumbs to infinity.

Who Is George Liquor? AND A NEW CARTOON IN THE WORKS!

For those of you who don't know who George Liquor is, here are some highlights of his history.

Painting by Bill Wray from the first starring role in Ren and Stimpy.

Man's Best Friend

Drawings by me and Mike Kim.


Animation by Carbunkle.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND - SOFA CLIP (12.4mb)

George Liquor's personality and humor is a combination of classic situation comedies and cartoon humor at the same time. The personalities are grounded in reality but very exaggerated. You can identify with the personalities and situations and motivations, yet impossible cartoon stuff can happen too.

Dog Show

My influences are not just cartoons but old TV comedies like The Honeymooners, All In The Family, Get Smart and The Bevery Hillbillies. These were all really strong character comedies. The writing was all about who the characters were and how they played off each other in certain situations.

I think these are drawn by Chris Reccardi.


Ren and Stimpy was also a combination of personality sitcom humor with outlandish cartoon jokes.

GEORGE LIQUOR - DOG SHOW CLIP (9.9mb)

episode 8, Babysitting The Idiot

This is from the first ever online cartoon series, (The Goddamn George Liquor Show)
drawings by Aaron Springer.

There's George with his nephews, Slab, Ernie and Jimmy the Idiot Boy.

Babysitting the Idiot clip
Uploaded by chuckchillout8

http://www.raketu.com/en/index.php

George Liquor stories and art

THE GEORGE LIQUOR PROGRAM

SPONSOR THE GEORGE LIQUOR SHOW YOU EEDIOTS!!!

GEORGE LIQUOR PLUGS TOWER RECORDS

Of course George was voiced by the great Mike Pataki!
George is a real God-Rearing bugger, that's for dang sure! Hey wanna see the latest one I'm working on? I'll personally pitch it to you just like I do at the networks.

A NEW GEORGE CARTOON IN THE WORKS-SEE ME PITCH IT IN THE FLESH!

The Bikini Salesman

THE BIKINI SALESMAN

PREMISE
(Premise #1: A good excuse to show pretty girls modeling bikinis. Jimmy is a Bikini Salesman in a bikini store. )

(Premise #2: Introduce Sody and set up budding romance. Leave audience hoping that Jimmy and Sody will get together later on.

Jimmy likes Sody, but doesn’t know if Sody likes him. He feels inadequate. Sody has the same feelings toward Jimmy.

Shows developing budding romance/ Leaves doubt as to whether or not they like each other.
The bikini store has display racks, mannequins, dressing rooms display cases, etc..
Sody is a customer—it is Jimmy and Sody’s first meeting.)




SET-UP
Sody wants to buy a new bikini and Jimmy is a bikini salesman. They meet for the first time.

OPENING

SODY CHECKS OUT BIKINIS

“Are you open for business?” asks Sody as she enters the store.
Sody is browsing through racks
Sody holds up various suits, can’t decide, drops them. She obviously is in need of help.

JIMMY IS CLERK

Jimmy’s head pops up from behind counter.
BODY
Sody tries on bikinis and Jimmy helps her. They get to know and like one another—a mutual crush in the making. Both are too naive and scared to voice their feelings about one another.

SODY MODELS BIKINI #1

Sody holds a bikini up: “What do you think?”
Jimmy frowns. The bikini is no good for her. He offers one that’s not so skimpy and sexy.
She puts it on, then steps out of the dressing room to model it.
Jimmy’s crotch inverts.

WEIRD BIKINIS

Weird shaped bikinis hang from strings on hangers
Band-Aids.
Price tags hide suit.

BALL OF YARN BIKINI

Ball of yarn suit.

WINTER RACK

Walks past the winter rack with fur ear muff bikinis
Snow capped mountain peak tops Skiers riding the slopes.

DRESSING ROOM

UNDERWEAR RULE

Sody takes the bikinis she’s selected into the dressing room.
She undresses, dropping her clothes to the floor.
Jimmy looks up to a sign and makes a startled noise.
Sody asks Jimmy if anything is wrong.
Jimmy points to the sign.
Sign: “For sanitary reason we politely request you wear under garments at all times while trying on swim wear.”
Sody says she’s not wearing underwear.
Jimmy pees himself.

JIMMY LOANS UNDERWEAR
He gives her his underwear.

PETER LORRE LADY

He sees her pants sliding down off her legs. Then he notices a dirty old man ( Peter Lorre look alike) in the corner of the store leering at the dressing room.

JIMMY HANDS OVER BIKINIS

Jimmy keeps handing bikinis over the dressing room door.
He blushes as he sees her naked arms and shoulders.
He shields his eyes and with dainty fingers hands her a bikini.

SODY MODELS BIKINI #2,3,4,5

She models 4 bikinis. “What do you think?”
She looks beautiful in each.
“Is there something wrong with these mirrors? Why do they always make you look fatter?”

JIMMY MODELS BIKINI

“Would you try this one on?” Sody asks Jimmy. “I need to see it on someone else to be absolutely certain it’s the right one for me.”
Jimmy models one down a runway.
High fashion gags.

SUNFLOWER BIKINI
Sody asks what the latest summer fashion is.
Jimmy offers their special summer suit
Sody tries on a bikini made from three sunflower blossoms. They are held together by strips of sod.
Sody: “This one’s too moist.”

MEAT BIKINI

Sody wears a meat bikini.
“Do I look fat? This one makes me look fat, doesn’t it?”

MIX-N-MATCH BIKINIS

A mix and match racks - one is for the left breast one for the right, a third rack for bottoms.

JIMMY HELPS DRESS SODY

She asks Jimmy to help fasten a string bikini, “ Could you come in here and help me fasten this top?”

JIMMY TIES BIKINI

End up in changing room together caught up in bikini top
Jimmy can’t quite get the fastenings together. He pulls harder and harder.
The top snaps and flies around both of them.
They both become snared in the top.

SUN TAN LOTION

Sody: “I can’t really tell if it’s right for the beach. I need to see myself with sun tan lotion on.”
Sody hands Jimmy bottle of lotion and turns around. “Would you do me back there?”
Jimmy squirts the entire contents of the bottle into the air but he doesn’t care.
Jimmy drools onto Sody’s back.
Sody giggles, “Oooh! Sends shivers down my spine!”
Jimmy rubs his drool into her skin.

PRICE TAG BIKINI

Jimmy keeps showing suits so small that the price tag appears to get larger and larger until finally just a tag is visible.
The smaller the suit the bigger the price tag.
Sody takes hanger with 3 price tags hanging off it and comes out of dressing room wearing them.
Price tag bikini is $100.
Sody is tormented. $100. is her entire baby-sitting earnings, but she’s got to look good at the beach.
Sody gets the price tag bikini.

END

Sody buys a bikini and leaves. A perfect magical moment, we should yearn for Jimmy and Sody to get together again.

SODY BUYS BIKINI

Sody asks if she can wear the bikini home.
Jimmy nods yes.
He puts her old clothes in a shoe box and hands it to her.
He rings up the bill on the cash register.

SODY LOVES BIKINI

Centerfold of Sody wearing the bikini. She looks lovely. Her skin glistens.
Sody is thrilled.
She hugs Jimmy.

SODY HAS A BOYFRIEND

With a look of concern Sody looks at herself in the mirror . “Maybe my boyfriend will finally notice me.”
Jimmy is crushed; he looks to the ground.
Sody’s hand cups Jimmy’s cheek. She looks him straight in the eye and says, “I wish I had a boyfriend like you Jimmy! You’re so nice to me!”
Sody skips away waving good-bye. “See you at the beach!” she says.

Wild Elkdom

Wild Elkdom

George and Jimmy go hunting.

George tells Jimmy all about the beauty of nature as they ride to the wilderness in a huge 4 by 4. We need our walls to be as beautiful as the wild - only dead!


Nature Show Being Filmed

While they hunt, we keep cutting away to a jeep driven by an elk. The Elk’s TV crew rides with him.

The elk has a nature show that other elks watch, called Wild Elkdom. It plays on the Man Planet TV network.

Today the Elk naturalists are studying the habits of humans in the wild.


Goose Bumps and Piss Willies

As George stalks animals in the forest, he keeps feeling like he’s being watched. He hears rustling and looks over his shoulder. The Elks quickly camouflage their jeep as a suburban house.

George is appeased for the moment, but remains suspicious.

The elks wear trophy plaques around their necks. When George looks at them, they turn their heads down and stare straight ahead like mounted trophies. This fools George.

Tranquilizer

The elk shoots Jimmy and George with a tranquilizer gun.
The boys lay still, frightened, helpless. They stare up at the scientists with wet cow eyes. Pitiful.

The elks get in for a close look.

Elks Study Human Anatomy

They take the clothes off the boys.
The elks study the human anatomy and explain what they see to the TV audience.
They misread what each human anatomical structure is for.

The elk host points out their hair. “We can see by their brush cuts (crew cuts) that these are amphibious humans. The brush cut has evolved to help humans filter feed plankton.”

Mating

The elk checks Jimmy out, decides that he is the female of the pair.
“The male is the attractive gender of the human species.
Note the slight build and the blander appearance of the female. “

From behind a bush, other male humans leer at Jimmy.

The elk places the boys in the “mating position”. He folds Jimmy in two and gently lays his butt on George’s ear.

George whispers to Jimmy how demeaning the situation is.

Love Is Universal
The elk explains how love is universal and a beautiful act, even in the human kingdom.
Elk Family Watches Show
In a middle class elk family’s lair, Dad, Mom and the kids watch “Wild Elkdom”.
Do Humans Go To Heaven?
Junior elk asks Dad, “Daddy, do humans go to heaven?”
Dad says, “I’m afraid not, son.”
Little Tabitha Elk says, “I wanna human puppy for Christmas.” Mom says, “Those are wild humans, Tabitha. Maybe we’ll get a tame one at the pet store.”

Elks Tag The Boys

The elks tag the boys, so they can study their migration habits.
The elks give them another shot and run back to the jeep.

The Boys Come To

The effects of the tranquilizers wear off slowly. The boys stagger on all fours.George takes a shot of rye whisky and gives Jimmy a slug. “This’ll get the blood circulating.””I never wanna go through that again.”

Bomb Shelter

Premise - The Bomb Shelter

Omens

George wakes up one day with his bunion aching and swollen to the size of an apple. It’s a bad omen. He walks over to the window, looks outside and says “there’s something in the air.” Outside he notices a squirrel with a black spot on his back. Another omen. “It’s bad, it’s baaad,” he says nervously. A string of omens causes George to deduce that the end is coming. He fears that the Canadians are going to drop the bomb on America and all hell will break loose.

Bomb Shelter

George decides, “They ain’t gonna get me!” He decides to build a bomb shelter in the basement. He and Jimmy stock it with canned goods and beef jerky, the basic requirements for life. “It’s gonna be a long haul, son.”

He grabs Jimmy and says, “Run and get your little Canadian girly friend. We’re gonna need her.”

Sody comes over and George sits her and Jimmy down to tell them the hard facts of life. “It’s up to you two. You have to propagate the species.” George thinks that this is an ugly reality of life but Sody is eager. “Now?” she says. “No, not now, says George, “There’s a right time for everything.” (George Liquor has a time for every human function. He does everything by the book.

“Wake up! It’s 3:00 in the morning. Crap time!”)


Bare Survival

George and the kids stay in the bomb shelter for months. George is convinced the outer world is gone even though nothing has happened.

FBI Finds Folks in Bomb Shelter

The missing persons bureau, the FBI, and the police show up at George’s house looking for clues to his disappearance. George hears them rooting around above ground and thinks they’re the commie Canadians.

“He turns to the kids, “Well, how do you like that?” “The buggers did it, the Canadians won. They kicked our butts.” He shakes Sody’s hand. “I like your people”, he says, “you’ll bear us fine stock.”

Propagating Time

George hands them his old army blanket. “Now you two take this blanket and get to propagating. Not here, over in the corner. And use this sheet with hole in it! Don’t have any fun. This is strictly functional! I’ll hold off the commies.” He starts yelling up the stairs, “You’ll never take me alive! You dirty, red Canucks!"

Out Of That Hole!
The authorities realize that they found George and they blow the roof off of his cellar and drag the three of them out. Michael, Sody’s dad, is there, completely pissed. He’s been looking for her for months. He’s been imagining the worst things. George is stunned that the world is still there and happy as hell to see his old pal. Then he realizes “Holy Jumpin' Bejeezus!, I had the kids propagate for nothing.”

Michael screams, “What?!!” as Jimmy and Sody’s heads pop out from under the blanket. Jimmy’s face is blushed, Sody is glowing and George and Michael have a fist fight. Everybody is happy.

The End

HE HOG'S COMIC BOOK WORLD - SECRET IDENTITIES

MULTIPLE SECRET IDENTITIES

He-Hog loves the concept of having a secret identity so much, he has more than one.

• DR. HORTOBAGY BOGHOSIAN, Comedy Dentist

One secret identity he assumes is
DR. HORTOBAGY BOGHOSIAN, a
family dentist.

• PRISON CONVICT

Another identity is a MILD-MANNERED PRISON CONVICT, serving out a life sentence for unspeakable crimes against humanity. Whenever he hears the call to justice, he has to slug a guard and escape from prison in order to preserve law and order.

• SUPERHERO

Sometimes He-Hog poses in a role that no one would ever suspect, ANOTHER SUPERHERO. We show him changing in a phone booth from one superhero costume to another.

• QUACK PSYCHOLOGIST

In this role, He-Hog lures unsuspecting sufferers into such crackpot therapies as primal screaming. He gets on the floor with his patients and screams with them at the top of their lungs. He debases his patients horribly, making them roll around on the floor, visit their past lives and bark like a dog.

On the wall behind his desk, he has diplomas in related fields of psychology, such as a degree in chicanery.

At the beginning of a new patient’s treatment, He-Hog carefully advises his subject that he is not here to “cure” him, he is here to finance his new house in Maine.

He-Hog despises charlatans and so eventually exposes himself.

• CLARK KENT (w/o pants)

He Hog is disguised as Clark Kent in suit jacket and tie, but is naked from the waist down, like He-Hog, curly tail and all.

HE HOG'S SECRET HEADQUARTERS

SECRET HEADQUARTERS

Half-Life grabs some grape jelly from He-Hog's "Utility - Hindquarters"

THE FORTRESS OF RECTITUDE: TOP TOP SECRET
He-Hog’s Secret Headquarters is so secret that even He-Hog doesn’t know where it is. Never is its exact location revealed, not even to the audience. We do know, however that it is somewhere in CANADA.


The Precious Brain Cell
Many pig-years ago, He-Hog built his secret lair. When it was complete, He-Hog had Half-Life (the only being he trusts) remove the brain cell in his head that stores the memory of the secret location. Half-Life placed this valuable brain cell in a huge vault to keep it from falling into the hands of the evil villains that crave he Hog's scientific secrets.

Forever after, Half-Life must lead He-Hog blindfolded to and from the secret lab.

Trips To The Secret Lair
Once He-Hog is blindfolded, the screen goes black and we can only hear their journey. We hear their footsteps as they step on chickens, old ladies’ feet, trudge through primordial ooze, etc.

Half-Life always leads He-Hog to the wrong location first: into a shower stall with a bathing lady, a medieval witch burning festival, etc…

______________________________

Fortress City

After we get used to the idea of He Hogs' secret Fortress, we soon reveal that he lives in a neighborhood of superhero fortresses.

One day as he is doing an experiment in the lab, :" Oh darn! I've run out of Plutonium!" He jostles an empty shaker over a bubbling beaker.

He puts on his parka and goes outside his fortress to the nearest neighbor's fortress. Manbat has a Fortress Of Pulchritude.

He Hog rings the doorbell and when Manbat answers, he asks to borrow a cup of extra radioactive Plutonium.

______________________________

INTERIOR HEADQUARTERS: DIFFERENT AREAS INSIDE THE HQ

• CONTROL CONSOLE
Inside the secret headquarters everything is HOG-TECH.
There is a Ham Radio, Ham Television, Ham Phone, Ham Sandwich…
He-Hog turns on his equipment by inserting his corkscrew tail into secret slots.

• CRIME LAB
Analysis

• SCIENCE LAB
Marmalade Studies Center

Here, He-Hog studies marmalade’s special volatile properties. The marmalade is handled in a protective glass case. He puts his hands in asbestos gloves that are attached to the case.

He studies the marmalade’s viscosity, and adherent properties. If He-Hog can discover why Marmalade will cling to his butt, maybe he can create a non-toxic marmalade-atom-based trouser that he can wear. His experiments always fail. He-Hog takes his failures with good grace. “This butt of mine is a tough nut to crack!”

• SPA

Any area in the Spa is a good excuse to do sexy scenes with Alfred helping He-Hog and Half-Life relax.

Massage Table

He-Hog lays face down on the table as his little towel floats above his butt. (Nothing will stick to his ultra smooth butt.)

Radioactive Waste Bath

• HOTLINES

He-Hog has a special table filled with phones connected to the world’s important political centers:

Police Headquarters
The White House
The Kremlin
Spumco

• WORKSHOP

This is where He-Hog builds his specialized equipment:
Vehicles
Replicas

The Bottled City Of Human Women

He Hog Surveys Earth For Suitable Specimens of Human Women For An Environmental Preserve

One day, Half Life peers into He Hog's laboratory and sees him sitting behind a big glass bottle.

He Hog is wearing retractable microscopic spectacles and staring into the bottle while looking supremely intelligent.
Half Life asks what's in the bottle.

"This is a perfectly preserved miniature city, Half Life. It is peopled with a superior race... Human Women."

Half Life: "Why do we need that?"

He Hog looks up, an extremely grave expression on his begoggled snout. He says in a very serious voice:

"Because, young one, MAN IS INSANE. In his infinite arrogance, in his vainglorious lust for power he is sure to destroy the planet and himself in the process. I have taken it upon myself to preserve earth's greatest natural resource. His women."

He goes on to explain that he has shrunken 1,000,000 of them and built a tiny futuristic city to store them in. It is a big responsibility to care for them every day. He points to his latest invention, the CLIMATE DISPENSER. "I have perfectly recreated the conditions of earth's atmosphere and climate."

It has buttons on it labeled:
Rain
Sunshine
Gloom
Hurricane
Earthquake
Drought
Smog
FEMA (Failed Emergency Management Association)

He Hog picks up some tweezers and reaches into the bottle. He carefully plucks tiny wriggling things out and discards them one at a time into a wastebasket operated deftly by his hoof.

"What are you doing now, He Hog?" asks the naive little sidekick.

He Hog looks up and says matter-of-factly..."Getting rid of the ugly ones."

HALLOWEEN IN FORTRESS CITY

On Halloween night the neighborhood kids (seals, polar bears and Eskimos) start knocking on He Hog's secret door. They expect some nice sugary treats.

He Hog answers the door and realizes that he has been working so long in his lab that he forgot all about this favorite holiday! How embarrassing!

Never one to disappoint the kiddies he rushes to the lab and back again with a sly look on his face. He gingerly drops tiny hot chicks from the Bottled City Of Human Women into the trick or treat bags.

Plop, plop.... dump!

The kids cheer. "Yay He Hog!"

"Don't eat too many in one night, kids!"

He winks at the kiddies as they rush away gleefully.